Control..

So in our crazy little lives trying to control a small part of it often seems appealing… and that’s ok.  However when we get into a pattern of trying to control every detail, that can be problematic.  The truth is we cannot control everything and by trying to control it all it makes us less able to cope with things when they go wrong.

I am a bit of a control freak and I love having a plan and seeing it through and then being happy that it all went well.  That’s all well and good, but when something unpredictable happens, how do I cope?  Don’t get me wrong, I am not such a control freak that I cannot cope with small changes of plan or rearranging things, but when something huge happened to me all that changed.  I was living a great life, a successful one and was enjoying everything when one night all of that changed.  Something happened to me (that I will not go into now.. maybe in the future) that completely turned my world upside down and it has taken me five years to accept it.  It wasn’t part of the plan.  Now I can see that life has no plan and you can try your best to make a plan, but life will go and change it for you in such a way that you have no power to change it back.

This post doesn’t make much sense… I guess the point is that life throws things in our path that we cannot foresee or control and learning to be ok with that is a learning curve of its own.

The second layer to that story is that when something like that happens, something not part of the plan, something imperfect, accepting it is really hard if you expect your life to be perfect and planned.  But imperfection and accepting it is another blog post for another day.

I feel the next few blog posts may be very non random with not much flow or pattern but that is how my brain feels at the moment…

Just keep running

So, I haven’t really thought this blog entry through but I have been thinking today about the fact that I just seem to keep on running.

I mean this in the sense that I seem to move from one thing to another without giving myself to think. I completely admit that this is entirely voluntary, I like being distracted and having a project. Giving myself time to sit back and think is not something I like doing.

Why? you may ask… well giving myself time to think means I have to face up to everything that I just push to the back of my mind whilst being busy and most of these things are not things I want to think about. Things that have happened in the past, things that could happen in the future, what I should be doing right now at this stage in my life… These are all fairly big questions and things to think about and I believe the reality is that I don’t want to face them. Therefore it is far easier to keep distracting myself.

But, I ask myself today what is the consequence of this constant distraction going to be? Will it all hit me at once? Or will I just keep on running?

The most terrifying question I ask myself really is am I really just running from myself? I don’t think so, because I am starting to like who I am and I feel happy in my skin, but then why can I not just sit back and think.

This thought then leads me to think why do I feel the need to sit back and think about these things? Why do I need to stop running? If I am happy running can I not just keep going? I guess we just live in a society where we are constantly told we should take time out etc etc and that is taking its toll on me.

Well… there we have it, a very confused blog full of questions…

Perfection

Achieving perfection is something I have been trying to do for many years… and this evening I sit back and ask myself why?  Seeing as we are constantly told that perfection is not something we can achieve, why do we constantly strive to be perfect?  Is it because whilst we are told it is impossible to achieve, some people in fact take this on as a challenge.. I am one of those people.

When I am told I cannot do something, it makes me push harder in order to achieve it, no matter what.  This potentially comes from my inner determination to be the best I can be, or is it because I am actually a stubborn person and therefore someone telling me I can’t do something is just a red flag.  Does this element actually exist within us all?  After all as many experiments and articles over time have told us that as human beings we will nearly always do the opposite of what we are told.  Taking something away or saying it is unattainable makes us want it more?

I have never considered myself to be stubborn as I am someone who always tries to accommodate the ideas and feelings of others, regardless of whether this means I get my way or not.  However on this point I think that maybe I am being very stubborn.  I refuse to accept that something cannot be done..

The question I now ask myself is: What is perfection?

Is this question really the reason that perfection is considered to be impossible to attain?